Essence
by redtears85
Summary: Toshiya is fit to be tied with his six month sabbatical from sex. He agonizes over his newfound love interest in Shinya, who's having his own issues with love. Toshiya x Shinya. Die en Grey. Rated are for sexual content and language.
1. Chapter One

Alrighty folks! Let's try something a little different. I am huge Dir en Grey fan so I recently started this little fic and posted it on I previously tried to post it on but for some fucked up reason, it was taken off. They are having a lot of problems with their server so I think that may be why. So unfortunately I have to post it other places. Enjoy DEG fans!_

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_January 1st, 2004_

_Dear Journal,_

_Things have changed in the recent months leading into the New Year. The band has changed, the music has changed. I have changed. By no means am I unhappy for this change and the band seems to be at the top of the rock charts, however, things are different. Once being boys who were very much androgynus have grown into men. I actually enjoy this new masculinity. The only one who really hasn't changed is Shin-chan. I'm glad for that. Shin-chan...he's so sweet. I find myself thinking about him often. I guess I always have. His aura of mystery appeals to me so much that I find myself prying into his life just to know more about him. True, he's my polar oppostie. So quiet and reserved, while I'm so energetic and emotional. Sometimes it's creeping to sit back and watch him. It's like he's in a trance, a little world of his own where only he's admitted. Ah well...everyone has their quirks. I often sit back and ask myself what this self-induced obssession means. Why is he constantly on my mind? Could it be that I'm attracted to him? The idea to me seems fucking rediculous. I've never been attracted to men before and belive me when I say that I have had many late night sessions with beautiful women, fangirls included. But a man? Maybe it's something to do with the fact that Shin-chan is still feminine. No...that doesn't seem right. What is it about our lovely drummer that intrigues me from the deepest core of my being? I know that if I ever approached him with these questions he'd laugh in my face. I don't think any of my bandmates know of my secret obssession, my incessant longing for the pretty drummer. Gods, I must sound pathetic. I wouldn't even tell my best friend, Kyo. My adorable best friend. He has enough of his own problems. He's not afraid to admit his longing for our leader-sama. Kaoru's so oblivious to things like that. Work work work...that's his motto. What happened to Shin-chan to make him the silent beauty he is. I doubt I'll ever know._

_Toshiya_

The bassist sighed as he shut his journal, tucking it safely back into his night stand drawer. It was close to two o'clock in the morning and sleep was barely reaching him that night. It'd been like this that past couple of nights and it was showing in his work. Maybe he felt lonely since he'd finally gotten his own place a little less then a year ago. At first it had been great. He reveled in the peacefulness and being able to have things how he liked them. Now it was almost uninviting. Toshiya didn't get it, since when did he care about having someone around. He was only twenty-seven but the numerous one-night stands with women were starting to bore him. After a while they all started to seem alike, feel alike. There was hardly anything fun in it anymore. The last girl he'd been with was a total fiasco. She'd come onto him so strong that he'd actually gotten up and left the room as fast as possible. She'd hunted him down the next day and ripped him up one side and down the other in front of his bandmates. The bassist was so humiliated that he locked himself in his house for two days. They still joked about it six months later.

Shinya...that was a name that had splashed across Toshiya's name for the last half a year. It was pitiful how the pretty drummer could make Toshiya's breath hitch when he walked into the room. What was really making him sick to his stomach, Toshiya was starting to understand all those corny, mushy love songs. Were people right about him? Was he what they called a slut? The thought frustrated him. True he had slept around a lot in the past but it'd been nearly six months since he'd had sex and it seemed as though everything agitated him. Kyo teased him constantly about this particular sabbatical of Toshiya's.

The bassist curled up under the blankets of his bed and switched the lights off. Laying in the dark, Toshiya let his thoughts swirl around in his head. What more could he do then tell Shinya of his feelings. He was pretty sure he'd get the boot once all was revealed. The thought left a bad taste in the back of Toshiya's mouth. How could he explain things to Shinya when he wasn't even sure he understood things himself. Was he gay? No, that didn't seem right. He still liked women way too much. Bisexual, maybe? That seemed a more proper term. Still, he knew he couldn't be sure until he experienced his own gender. The only person he had any desire to experiment with was Shinya. Ah well. What was the point in worrying over a trivial matter.

Shinya curled up on the chair in the studio, headphones in place, eyes closed. Ah, how he savored break time. How he loved to tone down his mind with the soft pop that he so enjoyed. He figured people would think he was weird for listening to pop music and playing in a rock band. He didn't much care though. The drummer didn't torture his bandmates with the cheery, sultry music. Shinya sighed softly, his favorite song playing softly. It was the only song that made his blood stir. So many memories wrapped up into that particular song. The drummer shivered and once again stepped into another world, his world. He knew he should leave the past in the past but sometimes it creeped up on him when least expected. It was painful, so painful, these memories. It was the reason why he was such a quiet reserved person. He wouldn't dare allow anyone into his heart again, not to be ripped away again. He'd barely lived through it the first time and a second time would surely kill him. He was all right with living like a spinster. He'd done it up until recently. Recently, something had stirred inside of him, triggered by a person he'd least expected to have an affect on him. Shinya quickly wiped the thought from his mind. He couldn't date one of his bandmates and he convinced himself that he had no desire too.

Still yet, Toshiya was so sweet to him. Very caring and loving. He guessed he shouldn't chalk that up to much. Toshiya was always sweet to his bandmates. He was energetic and charismatic and really hot. Shinya felt a blush creep into his cheeks, a slight smile spreading over his pretty face. Oh this was rich, he thought to himself. The drummer opened his eyes, shaking his head. He really should learn to control his thoughts from running rampant. He switched the CD player to the next song, grateful this one was more upbeat and happy. Tossing his dreadlocked hair over his shoulder, he curled up against the chair, deciding to get a quick nap.

" Totchi-kun....Toshiya! " Kyo growled, faintly annoyed. " OI, BAKA! " The vocalist tossed a guitar pick at the bassist's head, smacking him between the eyes.

Toshiya snapped to attention. " Jesus Christ. What, Kyo? " The bassist knit his brow, chucking the pick back at his friend.

" Kaoru and Die are going to order out. What do you want to eat? " Kyo asked sweetly.

" Whatever. They know what I like. " Toshiya shrugged. He'd been in a daze, watching the object of his affection sleeping on the chair. He was entirely to beautful when he slept. It stirred every fiber of Toshiya's being.

" What's with you? Why are you acting all weird? " Kyo asked, knitting his brow.

" What are you babbling about? " Toshiya snapped.

" Ah forget it. I need to use the facility. Will you go ask Shin-chan what he wants for lunch and tell me when I get back? " The vocalist stood and left the room without an answer.

Shaking his head, faintly irritated; Toshiya stood and made his way slowly over to Shinya. He stood over the smaller man and smiled faintly. He looked so peaceful that Toshiya barely had the heart to wake him. He gazed at the sleeping beauty for a few minutes, taking in his shape. Slowly, he reached a hand towards the man, wanting to touch that silky hair of his. He was so close when Shinya's eyes suddenly snapped open and he let out a squeak of surprise, startling Toshiya as well. The bassist jumped back in spite of himself, blushing.

" Toshiya! What the hell were you doing? " Shinya gasped, sitting upright.

" I-I was coming to wake you up for lunch. " Toshiya stuttered. " I didn't mean to scare you. Gomen ne. "

Shinya took a deep breath, eyes narrowing on the bassist. " Why were you standing over me? I could feel you leering over me. That's why I woke up. "

" I didn't mean to, Shin-chan. Honest. Kyo-kun asked me to wake you up and asked what you wanted to eat. That's all. " Toshiya didn't faulter and breathed a sigh of relief when the drummer nodded.

" Gomen, Totchi. You just startled me. " Shinya stood, smoothing out his clothes. " Don't worry about it. I'll go talk to Kyo-kun. "

Toshiya nodded, faintly disappointed that the other was leaving the room. He didn't want to follow him, he couldn't. With no one around, it would give him just to much oppurtunity to jump the smaller man.

" All right. "

Shinya smiled sweetly at him before leaving the room. Toshiya's heart fluttered, Shinya's smile making him still more gorgeous. Once alone, Toshiya cursed himself aloud for nearly getting caught molesting his vulnerable band mate. He'd so badly wanted to touch the man, stroke his silky dreads lovingly. Oh Gods! What the hell was wrong with him. All these emotions whirled inside his stomach, making him feel queasy. Shaking his head to clear it, Toshiya flopped onto the couch, disgusted with himself.

" You're a pussy, Hara. " he mumbled to himself.


	2. Chapter Two

Shinya shuffled through his mail as he flopped on the couch in the living room of his apartment. Nothing exciting that he saw right away, bills, junkmail, adds. He almost tossed the pile of envelopes onto the coffee table when a brightly blue colored envelope caught his attention. Blinking, the drummer seperated the blue envelope from the rest of them and looked at the return address, his breath hitching in his throat. With a trembling hand, Shinya opened the envelope and pulled out the one paged letter. He didn't have to read it to know what it contained but still, he hoped to prove himself wrong. Taking a deep breath, Shinya read the letter:

_Dearest Shinya,_

_I know that it's been eight years since we last spoke and I must have started writing you a millions letters over the past eight years but I could never find the right words to say to you. I hope that this letter doesn't rip you apart like it did me to write it. Please, Shin-chan, hear what I have to say._

_As you well know, Kotori's 26th birthday is fast approaching and my family has decided to have a ceremony dedicated to him. I am personally inviting you to join us. I know that the family would love to see you. They loved you as if you were their own son. You were such a wonderful man to Kotori. I am hoping that you will come. I too, would love to see you again. _

_Sincerely,_

_Suguru Risa_

Shinya let a breath out as he finished the letter, his thoughts racing a mile a minute. He blinked back tears fighting the want to cry like hell. He hadn't cried in eight years and he'd be damned if he'd start again now. How was this supposed to help anything? Did he really want to take that step back in time? To thrust himself into his most painful memory that he'd worked so hard to bury. He answered his own question immediately. He had to go. He had to have that bit of closure or he would never be able to move on fully. He would keep his promise though. He would never fall in love again. He'd rather live his life alone then go through that kind of pain again. No, he couldn't fall in love. He wouldn't even give in to the person he wanted to most. His precious bassist.

Toshiya looked around at his friend's blank stares. Shinya had just told them that he had an emergency and would need to take a few days off. God fucking forbid he gave a reason to this short notice escape.

" Where are you going? " The bassist blurted out.

" Back to Osaka. " Shinya answered simply.

" Well why? " Toshiya persisted.

Shinya knit his brow, faintly annoyed. " It's something I have to take care of. What's with all the damn questions? "

Toshiya blinked. " I just thought we should know why you're all of a sudden taking off for a week. "

" Fucking hell, Toshiya. No one else is questioning me so why are you? It's a personal emergency that needs to be taken care of. " Shinya snapped.

Toshiya fell silent immediately. Shinya was leaving for a week. A week without his beautiful drummer. It seemed to long to him. On top of everything else, Shinya wouldn't tell them why he was leaving. Goddamnit, they were his friends and he was being secretive.

" Well, I guess we'll have to put recording off for the week. " Kaoru sighed, softly.

" Gomen ne, Kao-kun. " Shinya's voice was soft.

" It's nothing you can help. I might be the leader here but I'm not heartless. Take what time you need. " The guitarist smiled softly as he patted Shinya's back.

Toshiya kept his eyes off of Shinya, focusing on anything he possibly could. He failed miserably and his sight traveled back to the drummer. His gaze was soft as he saw Shinya press his lips together in a tight line. He hated when the drummer did that, it hid his beautiful lips. Lips that Toshiya so desperately wanted to kiss. Damn, why was he thinking like this. Shinya was a man, a fellow bandmember. Somehow though, none of that seemed to matter to the bassist. What it'd be like to feel the drummers skin trembling under his touch, tasting his soft skin, savoring it. A warm feeling uncurled in Toshiya's stomach, shooting right down to the center of his member. His long deprived member. Standing suddenly, Toshiya excused himself and darted out of the room to the bathroom. Six months had been to long, way to long. Once at a sink, the bassist splashed cold water over his face and neck, taking a deep breath. What the hell was wrong with him? Why was he acting like a horny schoolboy?

Shinya frowned and looke to his bandmates. Toshiya's actions had been confusing the hell out him lately. The glances he got from Toshiya when the bassist didn't think he was looking, standing over him while he was sleeping. And was it lust that Shinya spotted in his eyes. It couldn't be. Toshiya as far as he knew only slept with women. The drummer chalked it up to Toshiya teetering on the edge of insanity from six months of no sex. Maybe it was because Shinya was the most feminine of his bandmates. Yes, that's all it was. Shinya sighed, wishing it wasn't really that way. Still, he couldn't let those thoughts distract him from what he had to do. Besides, he wouldn't break his vow.

" Is it just me or has Totchi-kun been acting really odd lately? " Die asked, an eyebrow arched.

" You would to if you went six months without sex. " Kyo countered, smiling faintly.

" Yeah but he's become a totally different person. He's not as cheerful. " Die said quietly, thinking.

" He'll come around when he gets back into the groove of things. " Kyo nodded matter-of-factly.

Die shrugged, deciding it wasn't best to argue with their short-tempered vocalist. People didn't usually come out unharmed after having a go at Kyo.

Shinya finished packing his bags around eleven that night and looked around his modest room, sighing heavily. Standing, the drummer walked to his closet and stood on tiptoe as he pulled down a tattered shoebox. He'd had that shoebox since he was fourteen and it held some of his most precious possessions. Sitting down on his bed, Shinya opened the shoebox and pulled the contents from it, spreading them over the comforter. Tears formed around the drummer's eyes as he picked up a pair of engraved drumsticks. A gift from Kotori. He hadn't looked at those drumsticks once in the past eight years. They were definately old, anyone could see that but Shinya had kept them safe in the shoebox.

Frustrated with himself for being weak, Shinya shoved the drumsticks back into the shoebox along with the rest of his things and chucked the box into a chair across the room. The drummer flopped back on his bed and stared at the cieling, impatiently wiping away a few stray tears. You will not do this, he chided himself. You will not fucking cry!

Toshiya panted heavily as he raced from the parking lot at the airport and to Shinya's terminal. He'd gotten up late and missed saying goodbye to Shinya with the rest of his bandmates. He was not going to let Shinya get on that plane without saying goodbye. Plus, he had something he wanted to give to Shinya before he left. Toshiya's heart fell as he hit a line waiting to get through the metal detectors to the terminal. Fuck fuck fuck, he cursed himself. He would definately miss Shinya now. Bouncing impatiently, the bassist waited for his turn. Finally he passed the security and started his mile dash again. The bassist skid to a stop at the gate, looking around desperately for Shinya. To Toshiya's almighty relief, Shinya was just about to board before the bassist called to him.

" Shin-chan! Shin-chan, wait! " Toshiya sprinted up to him, taking deep breaths, trying like hell to regain his breath from the run.

" Totchi-kun, what the hell? " Shinya blinked, looking over his worn out bandmate. " Why were you running? "

Toshiya wheezed for a moment. Damn he needed to quit smoking. Straigtening up, he looked to Shinya. " I came to say goodbye. I didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye and...I brought you this."

Toshiya handed Shinya a monkey plushie with a blushed smile. The toy was old and worn, Shinya figured the bassist had had him since childhood. He guessed right.

" His name's Ta-chan, I've had him since I was a baby. I know it's not much but I thought you might like to keep him with you. He's a very good watch-monkey. " Toshiya laughed softly.

Shinya's heart fluttered as he took the monkey from Toshiya. He smiled brightly to Toshiya before hugging his friend tightly. " Arigatou, Totchi-kun. Arigatou..." the man whispered.

Toshiya hugged friend back, breathing in his scent. " Don't mention it. " The bassist held the younger man close to him, never wanting to let go. He felt so good, his slim body pressed against his own. It nearly borke his heart to let the drummer go. Before he knew what he was doing, Toshiya's hands were cupping the drummer's face lightly and his lips were pressed against the smaller man's in a gently, yet satisfying kiss.

Shinya could barely think as Toshiya's warm lips touched his own. What was he doing? Why was he leaving? The world seemed to be melting around the two of them and Shinya was returning the kiss before he knew it. A soft moan escapred the drummer as Toshiya's tongue slipped past his lips, exploring his mouth, hot and wet. Oh Gods! This was too much. Why was he leaving this? His body shuddered involuntarily as his answer crashed over him. Pulling away from the kiss, Shinya panted softly, studying his bandmate.

Toshiya shivered, he'd waited so long for that kiss and it had ended way to soon. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream for Shinya not to leave. It was only a week, but so much could happen in that time. What if Shinya decided not to come back from Osaka. What reason did he have to be so secretive? Toshiya knew what it was. There must be someone there that Shinya was going to see. A lover maybe? The thought pounded at the base of Toshiya's scull. If that was it, it would break his heart.

" I...have to go...Totchi..." Shinya whispered softly, forcing an indifferent expression.

" I know..." Toshiya took a shaky breath. Oh the pain he was in! The agony. Without another word, the bassist turned on his heel and walked out of the terminal, his head hanging. He hates me, Toshiya thought wearily to himself.

Shinya forced himself to turn around and get on the plane. Why did Toshiya do that. Didn't he know that a simple gesture like that would kill him, that bastard! Oh how he wanted to ring the man's neck for putting him in this kind of predicament, and still at the same time he wanted to turn himself over to Toshiya. He wanted to feel the man against him, inside him. Touching, feeling, kissing. Shinya growled at himself to stop thinking on it. He successfully pushed his erotic thoughts to the back of his head and settled in as the plane took off for Osaka.

_January 4th, 2004_

_Dear Journal,_

_I kissed Shinya today before he left for Osaka. Oh Gods! It was the best feeling in the world. I've waited so long for that kiss and it finally happened. Now, I regret it. Shinya must hate me for taking advantage of him in a vulnerable situation. When he looked at me it was total indifference. What do I do now? Swallow my feelings? I'll have too or Shin-chan will hate me for it. I can't have that. It would kill me if Shin-chan hated me. I'll always want him as my friend if nothing else. I'm so lost now. _

_Toshiya_


	3. Chapter Three

Shinya stood in front of Risa's house promptly at two o'clock the next day. His stomach ached something terrible as he reached out to knock on the heavy wooden door. Just as his hand was about to make contact with the door, it swung open and a small, pretty girl stepped out. Shinya recognized her at once despite the eight year age difference. For a moment he couldn't speak. This was little Risa? Kotori's little sister.

" Shinya-kun. " the girl breathed. " I'm so happy you could come. Please come in. " Risa stepped aside and allowed Shinya to pass.

" Arigatou. " Shinya replied softly, stepping into the house. The drummer was overwhelmed by the blast from the past he recieved. This house hadn't changed since he was sixteen and an uncomfortable feeling uncurled inside him. He shouldn't be here. It was too much. He was startled from his thought when Risa started to speak to him.

" I realize that was all short notice but it was so hard for me to write that letter to you. I know how close you an Kotori were. " Her voice was soft, pained. " I don't know why my family decided to do this. Maybe for closure, but they wanted you here to share it with them.

" I really appreciate the invite. " Shinya replied, offering a faint smile to the other.

Before Shinya could do anything, the younger girl attached herself to him in a tight hug. She shuddered faintly from her tears.

" Shin-chan, seeing you brings back so many memories. So many sweet memories, so many bad memories. "

The drummer pushed back his surprise and rubbed the girl's back gently. " Shh, Risa-chan. It's alright. "

Risa sniffed for a moment before composing herself and letting go of the other. " Gomen ne, I'm a little over emotional. " she forced a smile. " How's your band? I see you guys on TV all the time. I own a couple of your CD's. I like it. A little shocked that our teeny bopper Shin-chan would join a rock band but it's cool nevertheless. "

Shinya smiled. " I love my band. They're good guys and I really love playing with them. They take good care of me. "

" I'm glad to hear it. " Risa replied.

What seemed like hours later, the ceremony had ended and Shinya left the house. He felt like he was being suffocated, he needed air. Without realizing it, the drummer was headed in the direction of the family's temple and directly behind it, the family cemetery. No matter how much he wanted to turn around, Shinya couldn't bring himself from approaching the small headstone to the right of the cemetery. Tears welled up in the drummer's eyes as he dropped to his knees. The engravement on the stone was still crystal clear...

Suguru Kotori

January 2nd, 1978 to March 10th, 1996

" Kotori-kun...I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. " Shinya whispered, tears falling down his pale cheeks. Eight years, it seemed like yesterday that his dead lover had been killed. Shinya remembered it clearly to this day. The two teenagers had been crossing a busy street when a drunk driver spun his car of control and hitting Kotori with a fatal blow. The dummer had loved Kotori with all his heart and witnessing his death had made Shinya the quiet, insecure person he was. He was positive that Kotori wouldn't want it this way but Shinya couldn't seem to pull away from it. He couldn't lose another love. It would kill him.

Toshiya fidgetted restlessly as he looked around the room. Too hot, it was too hot in here. Standing, the bassist went to the window of the studio and threw it open, sucking in the cool air. Toshiya pressed his head to the screen gently and took a breath.

" Totchi-kun, what the hell is the matter with you? " Kyo asked, coming up behind the younger man.

" Nothing, Kyo-kun. " The bassist mumbled.

" You're a horrible liar. " The smaller man observed. " Are you worried about Shin-chan? "

Toshiya looked to the small vocalist. He was too quick sometimes. " I guess so. He just up and left so quickly. What if he's in trouble? "

Kyo smiled, shaking his head. " Shinya might be private but he's not stupid. If he was in some kind of trouble he would have told us. "

" Yeah you're right. I shouldn't be worried. " The bassist agreed.

" Why don't you just tell him you like him? "

Toshiya looked to his bandmate, eyes studying the man. " I think I made that pretty clear when I kissed him yesterday before he left. "

Kyo gasped, mockingly. " No you didn't! "

" Kyo, please? I'm not in the mood to be made fun of. "

" Gomen ne. What the hell possessed you to kiss him? I'm shocked you didn't get your lights punched out. " Kyo mused.

" On the contrary, he returned it. " Toshiya smiled faintly. " I've waited for that for a long time. "

" Then go for it. What have you got to lose? " Kyo asked.

" A great friendship. " Toshiya pushed himself away from the window and sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. " When we stopped kissing, he looked so indifferent. I'm pretty sure he hates me for it. "

Kyo shrugged, " You'll never know until you ask. " With that, the vocalist turned on his heel and left Toshiya alone in the studio.

" It doesn't matter, " the bassist whispered to himself. " I think he went to Osaka for someone. "

Two days after the ceremony, Shinya was finally able to leave the Suguru's house and head back to Tokyo. The last three days had been exhausting for the drummer and he contemplated not announcing his return to his bandmates. He figured a couple days of sleep would do him some good. To top everything off, he wasn't sure if he was ready to face Toshiya.

Once on the plane, the drummer pulled his CD player and settled in, letting the sweet melodies he loved so much soothe him. Why was he letting something as trivial as a kiss bother him? A totally hot, satisfying kiss. Shinya shivered involuntarily. There was something behind that kiss. He could feel it radiating from his bandmates body, threatening to swallow him whole is he didn't break it. No, he wasn't ready to face Toshiya yet.

_Toshiya panted heavily as he pushed into the man below him. He was tight, oh so tight. Who was he? This slim figure that was writhing under him in ecstacy. A sim light caught the man's features and Toshiya nearly cried when he saw that it was Shinya he was inside of. The bassist devoured the younger man in hot kisses, bruising his deliciously swollen lips. This was a dream...it had to be a dream. Damnit, if it was a dream, Toshiya never wanted it to end. _

Toshiya woke up suddenly, Shinya's name pouring out of his mouth in heated moans. Oh Gods! It was a dream. The bassist took a couple deep breaths and shifted, uncomfortable from his erect arousal. Fucking dreams! Nothing a cold shower couldn't fix but Toshiya couldn't seem to move as scenes from his dream wafted through his mind like silent movie. Shivering, the bassist allowed his hand to slide down to his throbbing cock and spread the few drops of liquid over the tip of it. It had been so long. So long and his manhood was screaming for attention. The bassist stroked the shaft, letting the dream wash over him in consciousness. It wasn't long before Toshiya let out a semi-satisfied groan as he came against his hand. It would have to do for now. Lord, if he didn't give into temptation soon he was going to go mad.


	4. Chapter Four

Two days after his arrival back in Tokyo, Shinya walked into the studio with a bright smile and greeted his already working bandmates. The four gawked at him as he sauntered over to his drumset and took his seat.

" What? " He asked innocently, looking around at his bandmates.

" Ano...I thought you weren't supposed to be be back until tomorrow, Shin-chan. " Kaoru was the first to speak up.

" Oh I know, but I came back earlier. I actually got back two days ago. I just decided to take a few more personal days. " Shinya explained, smiling sweetly.

" Oh well, glad to have you back. " Kaoru said, studying his bandmate.

" Thanks. " Shinya let his eyes travel over his friends, eventually allowing them to land on Toshiya. The bassist was watching him closely and Shinya felt a heat creep up his neck. The drummer smiled faintly to his friend before turning his attention back to work.

" Listen guys, we have a photoshoot again tomorrow. " Kaoru grumbled. " Ten AM sharp. "

His four bandmates nodded and they started on the days work, practicing until around noon when they had a break for lunch. Toshiya flopped onto the couch, not really interested in food. His stomach clenched and unclenched, making the bassist squirm uncomfortably. So Shinya, didn't hate him. That faint little smile told him the truth but he was indifferent. Indifferent to the kiss that they had shared in the airport. That, Toshiya believed, was worse then hate. The bassist grabbed a throw pillow from the couch and covered his face with it, letting out a frustrated groan. What was he supposed to do now? Sit back and pretend it never happened. No way! He had to talk to Shinya. He had to know for sure what the pretty drummer thought.

With a renewed will, Toshiya jumped up from the couch and raced out into the hall. His bandmates were just ahead of him and Shinya was bringing up the rear. Quietly, the bassist slipped up behind his bandmate and grabbed his wrist gently. He put a finger to his lips in a gesture for the other to stay quiet and led the younger man back into the studio, closing the door.

" Totchi-kun? What's with you? " Shinya asked, arching an eyebrow.

Toshiya straightened his posture and faced the man. " Why are you acting like this, Shinya? "

Shinya blinked, feigning stupidity. " What the hell are you on about? "

" Don't play stupid with me, Shinya! You know damn well what I'm talking about. " Toshiya's voice was harsher then he wanted it to be and he instantly regretted it.

Shinya's eyes narrowed on his friend, an angry blush rising into his cheeks. " Don't you dare interrogate me, Toshiya! You had no right to do what you did? What the hell were you thinking, kissing me right before I left? Do you have any idea of the position you put me in? "

" What position? Goddamnit, Shinya! Maybe if you weren't so fucking secretive all the time I would have known what position I put you in! How can you expect me to know when you tell me nothing! " Toshiya raged at his friend.

" I can be fucking secretive if I want. It's no one else's business but my own! Don't treat me like a fucking child, Hara! " Shinya raged back.

This was too much. Before Toshiya could stop himself, he backed the drummer up against the wall, pinning the smaller man's waist in a firm, yet gentle grip. His lips were on Shinya's in a heartbeat and the drummer felt himself melting under the sultry act. Oh it felt good, so good it had to be wrong. The drummer struggled against the bassist to no avail. He knew Toshiya was stronger then him, and the bassist had moved a knee between his legs to lock their position. Toshiya only stopped kissing him when he need air, his breath caressing the soft skin of Shinya's neck, sending little shivers down his back.

" Did that kiss mean nothing to you, Shin-chan? I want you so bad, I need you. I've thought about nothing since that day. I've wanted you for months. " Toshiya whispered, kissing Shinya's neck gently.

Shinya's head tilted automatically and he allowed his hand to slide up the bassist's back to his neck. " Totchi, why are you doing this? "

" I want to feel you, taste you. God, you're so beautiful. " Toshiya suckled at a bit of flesh on the drummer's neck and moved his knee so it rubbed against Shinya's partially erect organ. He smiled when an almost desperate sounding moan came from his friend.

Shinya rocked against Toshiya's knee, his eyes fluttering closed. God, the bassist felt good pressed up against him. He knew all the right spots to kiss and touch and Shinya quickly felt himself falling under his captor's spell. His body screamed for more, begging the older man to take him and fuck him until the morning came. His mind screamed at him to stop it. He wasn't ready, no not at all. If he allowed Toshiya to make love to him then he'd have to admit how much he loved and wanted the other forever. That was an impossible quest that Shinya was not willing to start. With every fiber of his being, Shinya worked up the strength to push Toshiya away from him. The smaller man panted softly from his pent up energy bursting forward and glared at the man.

" Don't fucking touch me! " Shinya hissed, his posture becoming defensive.

" Shinya..." Toshiya faultered over his words, staring at the angry man in front of him. " G-gomen nasai. "

Shinya's eyes flashed with suppressed rage. Rage that Toshiya didn't fully understand. Just as he was about to apologize again and plead with the other not leave, the drummer skirted around him and dashed out of the room. Toshiya felt helpless as he sank to the floor, crossing his legs.

" Baka! You're a fucking idiot! " Toshiya cursed himself allowed, burying his face in his hands. Shinya was sure to hate him now.

Shinya shivered as he wandered into the kitchen of his apartment. Why was he so cold? He pulled his jumper tighter around him as he opened the refridgerator for something to drink. The drummer looked at the various drinks in their and came across a bottle of Captain Morgan. Die's Captain Morgan. It was half full from the last time Die was at his house with the rest of the guys. Shinya didn't drink but that rum sure looked good in his depressive mood. Pulling the bottle and a two litre of Coke from the fridge, Shinya set about mixing the two drinks. Maybe he'd let himself slip, just this once. No one was here, they wouldn't know the difference.

Half an hour later, one shot lay in the bottom of the bottle and Shinya giggled irrationally at a corny comedy on TV. Just as he was about to drink his last bit of Captain Morgan, Shinya heard a knock on his apartment door. Setting the bottle down clumsily, the drummer stood in his inebriated state and stumbled towards the door. When he opened it, he came face to face with Kaoru, holding out his notebook.

" Er...Shin-chan. You forgot this at the studio. I wanted to bring in to you. " Kaoru said slowly.

Shinya smiled drunkenly at him. " Kao-kun, how nice of you to stop by, " he slurred. " Come on in, sit with me for a while. "

Kaoru wrinkled his nose a the pungent odor of alcohol radiating from the other. " Shinya, you're totally trashed. "

" I know! And I feel great! " Shinya exclaimed. He grabbed his bandmate by the front of his shirt and pulled the man into the apartment, slamming the door shut.

" Come on, there's a little left. We can share it. " Shinya giggled, forcing his friend to sit.

Kaoru couldn't help but laugh, even if he was slightly perturbed that his bandmate was drunk. Shinya never drank. Why now had he decided to get trashed and his own no less. Shaking his head, Kaoru relaxed for a long couple of hours. Shinya giggled as he flopped down next to the guitarist and laid his head in the older man's lap.

" You sure you don't wanna drink? " Shinya slurred, waving his glass in front of Kaoru.

" I'm fine, Shin-chan, thanks. " Kaoru sighed and ran a light hand through the drummer's silky hair. " What's up with you? You never drink. "

" I needed a little pick me up. " Shinya closed his eyes. " I've been really down lately. "

Kaoru frowned. " What's keeping you down? "

Shinya closed his eyes, his features going sad. " When I left for Osaka, I attended a ceremony. His name was Suguru Kotori and he was my boyfriend in high school. He died eight years ago from getting hit by a car. His little sister wrote me a letter asking me to come and spend time with her family. I miss him so much. "

Kaoru gasped when he saw tears sparkle in his friend's eyes. " Gomen nasai, Shin-chan. That's horrible. "

" It was horrible. It was so sad. Then, then something happened before I left. Totchi caught up with me in the airport and gave me a stuffed monkey that he's had since he was a baby. He said he wanted me to have it along on the trip. He kissed me, Kao-kun. "

Kaoru nodded, somehow not surprised. He's suspected that the bassist's low mood has something to do with Shinya. He'd caught Toshiya staring at the pretty drummer countless times.

" How did you feel about that Shin-chan? "

" I don't know! " the drummer cried, burying his face against Kaoru's stomach. " How should I feel? Then today, he cornered me in the studio and forced himself on me. He told me that I've been his every thought the past couple months. What do I do? I've sworn an oath to never fall in love again but fucking hell I loved what he does to me. He knows all the right things to say and touch. I love him! I really really do. " Shinya raised his eyes to Kaoru, a few tears running down his cheeks. " Please, Kao-kun, don't tell anyone. I can't do it. I just can't "

" Shh...I won't tell anyone. " Kaoru replied, wiping away the other's tears. " It's not my place to tell anyone. " So that was it? Shinya was in love with Toshiya. Glad that he could hide his surprise so well, Kaoru went over what he'd been told in his head. It wasn't hard to put two and two together. Shinya had been dealt a traumatizing blow in his childhood that led to his detachment from people. He'd been like that for years, quiet, mysterious. He was Toshiya's polar opposite, but it seemed that the old school saying of opposites attract was true. On the other hand, he was confused about the bassist's actions. Kaoru had alway assumed that Toshiya was straight. Perhaps he was attracted to Shinya because of the feminine air he had about him. Kaoru shrugged, figuring he would confuse himself if he spent to much time thinking on it.

" I think you should be honest with yourself first, Shin-chan and then be honest with Toshiya. " The guitarist advised.

Shinya shook his head slowly. The drummer's mouth opened as if he was going to say something and then snapped it shut. A wave of nausea swept over the younger man and as fast as the speed of light, Shinya jumped up from the couch and just barely made it to the bathroom before he vomitted from the alcohol.

Sighing, Kaoru stood and went into the bathroom. He sat on the edge of the tub and held his friend's hair back while he emptied his stomach. This was going to be a fun night. He spoke to the other soothingly, rubbing his back. God, he sure brought up a lot. How much had he drank? When Shinya finally lifted his head out of the toilet, Kaoru wiped his face with a cool cloth and then led the younger man to his bed. After he made sure Shinya was settled in, he kissed his forehead and turned to leave.

" Kao-kun, please, stay with me tonight. " The drummer's voice was child-like, pleading.

Not having the heart to deny him, Kaoru slipped out of his jeans which left him in his boxers and t-shirt and climbed into bed next to the drummer. He smoothed Shinya's hair as the thin man molded against him, his hand closing into a fist on his shirt.

" Oyasumi, Kao-chan. " he whispered.

" Oyasumi, Shin-chan. "

Toshiya paced in front of Shinya's apartment door at eight o'clock the next morning. He hadn't slept all night from going over what he was going to say to Shinya repeatedly. He was going to apologize to his friend and beg forgiveness. He also planned to be totally honest and tell the drummer that he loved him and needed him. Finally, he called forth his courage and knocked on the door. No answer. Toshiya knocked twice and then a third time and still got no answer. Where would Shinya be at eight in the morning? Testing the doorknob, Toshiya was shocked to see that it was unlocked. Shinya never left his door unlocked. Stepping inside, Toshiya closed the door quietly, figuring Shinya was deep asleep. He padded quietly down the hall to Shinya's bedroom, seeing the door was ajar slightly. Taking a breath, Toshiya stepped up and pushed the door open.

Stunned, Toshiya stepped back against the wall. What he saw he didn't want to. Kaoru and Shinya curled up together on the bed. His Shinya in there leader's arms. Oh this was too much. The bassist felt his stomache churn and he clapped his hand over his mouth, feeling as though he was going to vomit. What the hell was Kaoru doing there? Shinya never slept in the same bed as anyone, ever! Why would he start now? Turning on his heel, Toshiya raced out of Shinya's apartment.

Kaoru was startled from sleep for some reason and looked just in time to see Toshiya's look of surprised agony before he left the apartment like a streak of lightning. Fuck fuck fuck! Kaoru cursed mentally. This couldn't have looked good at all. How was he going to explain that what Toshiya saw was totally innocent.

Shinya groaned next to him and opened his eyes slowly.

" Kao-kun? You ok? What time is it? " He asked groggily.

" It's eight and I have something to tell you. " Kaoru took a breath. " Toshiya came here. He just left. He saw us sleeping together. "

Shinya gasped as he bolted upright in the bed but his painfully swimming head forced him back down into the bed. No no no! That's not what was supposed to happen. He remembered asking Kaoru to stay with him, scared to be alone in his inebriated state but what happened before that was a total blank.

" Kao-kun...did I...did we..." Shinya couldn't bring himself to say it.

" No, Shin-chan. I promise we didn't. You just asked me to stay with you. " Kaoru said gently.

Shinya let out a sigh of relief. At least he knew he hadn't done something he'd totally regret. " This can't be good. " Oh how his head pounded, feeling like it was going to split his head open.

" Don't worry, Shin-chan. We'll just explain to him the truth. He'll believe us. " Kaoru reassured the other.

Shinya nodded and reached blindly for the bottle of aspirin on his night stand. He opened it with a little difficulty and then choked down for without the need of water. Little did either of them know that what Kaoru reassured was far from the truth.


	5. Chapter Five

Toshiya stormed into his apartment, not caring that the doorknob would leave a huge hole in the wall that he would have to fix later. He was so angry and so hurt he could barely see straight. Kaoru and Shinya? That seemed impossible. What would Kyo think if he would have walked in on the two all cuddled up together? Toshiya stopped, his eyes narrowing in thought. What would Kyo think? Should Toshiya go and tell Kyo that his sought after lover has spent last night with Shinya in his arms. Toshiya shuddered at the thought of how Kyo would react. Maybe that was a little too extreme. Kyo's temper wasn't the best and all hell broke loose when he got upset. Shaking his head, Toshiya wiped the idea of an alliance with Kyo from his thoughts and sulked to his room. The bassist flopped onto his bed and stared up at the cieling for a few minutes. Finally, he reached a blind hand to his nightstand and opened it, extracting his journal and pen from the drawer. Moving to his side, Toshiya opened it to a blank page and began to write.

_January 9th, 2004_

_Dear Journal,_

_What am I supposed to do now? Have I totally blown things with Shinya now? Yesterday I forced myself on him in the studio. Even though he shoved me away and looked right pissed about it, his body had responded like he wanted me to go on. This morning I went to his apartment to talk to him and no one answered the door when I knocked. The door was unlocked so I went inside and found Shinya curled up asleep in Kaoru's arms. I was so angry that I ran out of the apartment as fast as I could, tears stinging my eyes the whole way. Maybe I am making to much of it but it hurt so bad. And Kaoru? What was he thinking? How could he do that to Kyo, knowing how much the little man adores him? Is this Shin-chan's way of telling me that I have no chance after what I'd done? Have I truly blown it with the most wonderful person in the world. Why the hell does he have to be so fucking secretive all the time. I'm still dwelling on why he went back to Osaka. It doesn't matter, nothing does now. He's lost to me forever and I only have myself to blame. I've screwed up royally. Gods how I hate Kaoru at this moment. I want to wrap my hands around his neck and just throttle him. Not only for seducing Shin-chan, but for sleeping around when Kyo is aching to be with him. I'll never forgive him for this._

_Toshiya_

The bassist closed his journal and tears stung his eyes again as he put the little book away. He felt like his heart was breaking into two. He pulled his blanket up around himself and curled up on his bed. He was so tired, so sad. He needed to sleep for a little while. Screw the band and the photoshoot today. He didn't have the energy to deal with any of it.

Shinya looked around the photographer's studio anxiously for Toshiya. They needed to talk and talk right now. Shinya couldn't let the misunderstanding of that morning go unresolved. The drummer looked at his watch and sighed in frustrationg. He should have been here twenty minutes ago. Oh Kaoru was going to have kittens if that bassist didn't show up soon. Stepping outside, Shinya took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed Toshiya's number. He couldn't have over overslept, Toshiya was always up no later then eight, alarm or no alarm. One of the reason's Kyo had moved out as soon as possible. Two rings, three rings, by the fifth ring the answering machine picked up and Shinya gave up, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. Maybe something had happened to him. Maybe he was really sick. Whatever the reason, the band was going to have one very unhappy leader.

Taking a breath, the drummer walked back into the studio and met his expectant leader face to face.

" Well? " Kaoru asked, tensing faintly. " Did you get a hold of him? "

" I-ie..." Shinya shook his head. " I got his machine. "

" Did you try his cell? "

" I did early. It was turned off. "

Kaoru's head was buzzing and he let out a frustrated sigh. Wait til he got his hands on the bassist. He'd choke a good reason out of him. " Shinya, go to his house and get him. Break down the door, I don't care. Just make sure he gets here. "

" What?! Why me? Send Kyo to do it! " Shinya shrilled at their leader.

" Kyo is the first in line for photos, by the time the photographer gets done with the three of us, you and Toshiya should be here. " Kaoru persisted.

" Kyo and I can change positions. Please don't make me go. " Shinya pleaded. Meeting Toshiya in public to talk out their differences was one thing but going to his home was a totally rediculous idea.

Kaoru tensed. " Please Shin-chan. I don't have the time to deal with this right now. Just do as I ask this one time. "

Sighing in defeat and shooting his leader a hateful look, Shinya turned on his heel and left the studio. It was still cold and the drummer pulled his coat tighter around him. How could Kaoru be so cruel. Because he wasn't thinking about anything other then work at the moment. The gray January sky reflected Shinya's mood as he walked along the streets of Tokyo. He was glad Toshiya apartment wasn't to far from the studio or else Shinya might die of hypothermia by the time he got there.

Fifteen minutes later, Shinya was outside Toshiya's apartment door and knocked loudly. No answer just as he expected. Rather then waisting his time on knocking, the drummer tested the doorknob. Damn, it was locked. Smirking, Shinya dug through his pocket. A couple minutes later he smiled in delight as he pulled a bobby hair pin from his pocket that he shoved in their earlier. Crouching to be eye level with the doorknob he proceeded to pick the lock with the hair pin. So the skills of his misspent childhood could still come in handy. Imagine that he'd been a tomboy when he was ten years old. The thought nearly made the drummer curl up with laughter.

It took less then a minutes before the door popped open and Shinya was inside the apartment, putting the hair pin back in his pocket. The drummer padded across Toshiya's apartment quietly and into the hall. He took a minute to compose himself before looking past Toshiya's partially open bedroom door. He shook his head faintly at the bassist outlined form under the blankets. The drummer felt his heart clench as he made his way over to the bed and sat on the edge lightly.

" Konnichi wa, Shin-chan. " Toshiya said softly, his voice muffled by the blankets.

" How'd you know it was me? " Shinya asked

" Anyone else would have come and piled on top of me. Besides, no one wears whatever that scent you like is. "

Shinya smiled faintly and nodded. " Toshiya why are you still in bed? Kaoru is tearing around the studio like a madman because you're not there. "

" I don't feel very good, Shin-chan. I'd appreciate it if everyone just left me alone. " Toshiya replied, not removing the blanket from his head.

" Even me? " the drummer asked meekly

" Yes, especially you and Kaoru. " Toshiya's voice was harsher then he wanted it to be.

Shinya was taken aback by the tone the bassist had directed at him. This was going to be harded then he thought.

" Totchi, please. Don't be like that. It wasn't what you thought at all- " Shinya was cut off by the bassist suddenly sitting up and facing him. His dark eyes burned in the drummer, sending a chill down his spine.

" It wasn't what I thought? How am I supposed to think when you're curled up with Kaoru all night. Especially how irate you were with me over what happened in the studio. Goddamnit! I'm sorry I forced myself on you Shinya but I didn't think it would drive you into someone else's arms! "

" Ie ie! You've got it all wrong! Toshiya please just listen. " Shinya pleaded, reaching out to touch the other's cheek.

" There's nothing to listen to. " Toshiya growled, slapping the drummer's hand away. " Don't touch me, or talk to me for awhile. I don't want to hear excuses about what happened. "

Shinya blinked back the tears that stung his eyes. He couldn't believe Toshiya wasn't giving him the chance to explain himself. The drummer stood and nodded faintly.

" Gomen ne, Totchi. I didn't mean to hurt you. " The drummer turned on his heel and left the room. What the hell was he going to tell Kaoru?

Toshiya jumped up from the bed and let out a frustrated scream, putting his fist through the wall in his anger. He wanted to run after Shinya and attach himself the younger man's leg and beg forgiveness, beg to be given a chance but his pride wouldn't let him. His pride told him that would allow someone to have control over him. No one had control over Hara Toshimasa, no one!

Hours later, eleven o'clock to be exact the bassist sat hunched over a drink at one of the bars near his home. He was completely bombed but kept right on drinking. If he could just drown his problems in alcohol, he'd be all set.

" Excuse me? Are you Toshiya? " a voice interupted his thoughts.

Toshiya turned to face the pretty girl next to him. The bassist nodded drunkenly, letting his eyes wander over the girl. She spoke perfect Japanese but she wasn't Japanese. She was an American. How exciting, Toshiya thought to himself. He'd never slept with and American before.

" Yeah, that's me. And...who are you? " the bassist asked.

The girl smiled brightly. " I'm Kira. "

" Kira..." Toshiya let the name roll off his tongue. " It's pretty. I like it. "

" Thank you, " Kira blushed faintly. " I just wanted to say that I really like your band. I was at your last concert. You guys are amazing. "

Toshiya smiled brightly. " Why thank you. Would you like to dance? " He gestured to the dance floor.

" I'd love too. " she replied.

Toshiya stumbled into Kira's apartment, his arm slung around the girl's shoulders. Come to find out she was only twenty-one and teaching English at a local high school. Not that any of that mattered to Toshiya, he just wanted what she had to offer and goddamn did she have a killer body. The two intoxicants made it to the couch before flopping down on it precariously. Kira giggled as she kissed Toshiya's jawline, his neck, her hands sliding over his chest seductively. The bassist was on fire at her touch, his body responding on it's own. How long it had been since he'd felt a woman's touch, or anyone's for that matter.

Kira moved to straddle his lap and Toshiya wondered if she would be doing this if she was sober. Probably not. She didn't give him the vibe of a fangirl slut. Still, who was he to argue? He let his hands wander up her sides and to the front of her button down shirt. Impatiently he unbuttoned them and slid the shirt off her shoulders exposing a red-laced bra covering her full breasts. He let his lips caress the soft skin of her cleavage as he unhooked her bra and discarded it to the floor. Kira let her held fall back, sighing softly in pleasure. Her hand ran through the bassist's hair and down the back of his neck. Enough of the games, she was to anxious to see what Toshiya had to offer her. She undid his pants in a hurry and lifted his shirt off of him. Toshiya tensed faintly as Kira's hand slid her hand into his boxers and stroked his cock lightly. Resting his head against the back of his couch and closed his eyes, willing his body to relax. Why was he punishing himself? This is what he wanted right? A beautiful girl wanting him to use her. Toshiya gasped softly as an image of Shinya ran through his head. This was wrong. He didn't love this girl, he loved Shin-chan. The only person he'd ever loved.

Kira must have taken his gasp as one for pleasure because she lowered herself to her knees and blew lightly on his length. Letting out a sigh of defeat, he moved his hand to Kira's cheek and forced her to look at him gently.

" Don't...please..." He whispered.

Kira blinked, confused. " Toshiya-san? What did I do wrong? "

" You didn't do anything wrong. I...just can't do this. " The bassist replied, pulling his shirt back on.

Kira frowned deeply as she pulled her shirt back on, not bothering to button it entirely. " Do you mind if I ask why? "

Toshiya pulled his pants up and buttoned them. " I love someone and you're not that person. If I slept with you it would only be out of spite and I don't want to do that to you, or him, or even myself. I'm sorry, Kira. I hope you'll forgive me. "

Kira smiled faintly. " I understand. It seems you and I have something in common. "

Toshiya blinked, confused for a minute. Them he smiled, a light clicking on in his head. " Really now? You were just going to use me too? "

" I'm guilty. " Kira blushed deeply. She stood and smiled to the man in front of her. " Gomen nasai. "

Toshiya laughed as he looked the girl over. So he wasn't the only one in pain right now. He wondered if this girl would have actually gone through with sleeping with him or if her conscience would have kicked in. He hoped the latter and he'd just gotten the guilt first.

" Ne, Kira-chan, let's not make a total waste of the night. Why don't you join me for coffee and we can talk. Share sob stories. " The bassist suggested.

Kira smiled brightly. " I'd like that very much. Just let me change real quick. "

Shinya sighed deeply as he walked around Tokyo, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. It was cold but he was hoping the fresh air would do him some good. Maybe exerting some energy walking would allow him to sleep when he finally made it home. Things weren't fair. They just weren't fucking fair! How could Toshiya let his pride get in the way so much that he wouldn't even give Shinya the time to explain what had happened. He knew that Toshiya must fear the same thing he had when he woke that morning in Kaoru's arms. It didn't happen though. He wasn't sore from anything and he trusted Kaoru with his life.

Shinya came to a small coffee shop and decided to stop for a cup of tea. Herbal tea always made him feel better when he was down. He was three feet away from the door when it suddenly swung open and out came Toshiya with his arm slung around a petite American girl's shoulders. They laughed together as if they'd known eachother for years. Shinya felt his throat constrict and his heart start to pound so loudly he'd thought passersby would hear it. Who was this girl? Why was Toshiya holding her close like a significant other. The drummer's mind whirled with questions. Gathering his courage, Shinya stepped in front of the two.

" Toshiya-san! " Shinya growled, anger flooding his eyes.

Toshiya's breath caught in his throat as he looked up to meet Shinya's angry eyes. " Shin-chan? What are you doing here? "

" I should be asking you the same thing! Actually I should be asking you _who _you're here with. " Shinya's voice trembled faintly.

" She's a friend, Shin-chan. I met her at a bar tonight and we decided to stop for coffee. Nothing more or less. " Toshiya stepped away from Kira and towards Shinya. " Not like you should give a fuck. You should run home to Kaoru. Let him ease your pains. "

Shinya's hand clenched into fists as he looked at the bassist's smirking eyes. They were taunting him, just antagonizing Shinya to the core. Like a flash of lightening, Shinya struck out and his fist collided with Toshiya's jaw, knocking the bassist against a wall.

" I hate you Hara Toshimasa! " Shinya spat at him. " I hate you! "

Before he could pounce the bassist and beat some sense into him, Shinya turned on his heel and flew down the street at top speed. Tears blinded the drummer's eyes and his breath was ragged from wanting to cry and running. How long would this go on? Why should he be jealous. Wasn't he that didn't want to pursue a relationship with anyone due to his past? Wasn't he that felt he'd be betraying his late lover by being with Toshiya? Nevertheless, jealousy coursed through Shinya's veins like venom, contaminating his innocent heart. No, this couldn't go on. Something's gotta give, the drummer thought.

Toshiya watched Shinya run off, stunned at how the drummer lashed out at him. His jaw ached and he placed his hand over the sore spot. He barely heard Kira asking him if he was alright but snapped back to attention when he snapped her fingers in his face.

" Toshiya-san? I asked if you were alright. " She said, moving his hand gently from the spot on his face where is was already starting to bruise. " Was that Shinya-san? "

" Hai...that was him. " Toshiya replied quietly.

" Gomen ne, Toshiya-san. He looked so angry. Are you sure he doesn't love you? He looked like a cat ready to pounce. " Kira said softly.

" I don't know, Kira. He said he didn't want to be with me and then he turns around and acts like this. I don't know what to think anymore. "

Kira helped the bassist to stand and wrapped an arm around his waist. " Come on, let's get you home. "

It wasn't long before the two of them were outside Toshiya's apartment building and he smiled warmly at Kira.

" Thank you for walking with me. I'm going to pay for a cab to get you home. " He said.

" No thank you. I need to go see someone. He doesn't live far from here. " Kira replied, smiling softly.

" You're going to go see your boyfriend, aren't you? "

" Yes. I need to know if he still loves me and even if he doesn't then I'll have the closure and be able to move on. "

Toshiya smiled and hugged the girl lightly. " You're a great gal, Kira. Please don't be a stranger. "

" You bet I won't. Thanks for the coffee. " Kira kissed his cheek quickly and with a final wave, turned on her heel and walked away.

Toshiya watched her walk until she was out of sight and then went into his apartment and got ready for bed. Tomorrow would be the day. It would have to be. He was damn sick of playing this cat and mouse game with Shinya. First, he would talk to Kyo and seek his advice. Then he would resolve what was left unresolved.


	6. Chapter Six

Toshiya ran around the studio the next day in a hurry, looking for Kyo. Where was his little gremlin? The bassist skidded to a stop at the end of the hall and his shoulders slumped. Kyo wasn't in any of the rooms, not even the bathrooms. He was just about to turn around when a set of arms and legs wrapped around his body scaring the life out of him. He shifted as much as he could to see a beaming Kyo. 

" Ohayo, Totchi! " Kyo giggled, nuzzling his neck.

Toshiya blinked, utterly confused by the vocalist's actions. " Er...ohayo, Kyo-kun. What's with you? You're usually brooding. Why so happy? "

Kyo's grin got wider and he leaned in closer to Toshiya's ear. " I just spent one hell of a night with Kaoru. "

Toshiya couldn't help but smile. " Finally! "

" Oh shut up! I don't see you making any progress with Shin-chan. " Kyo retorted, wrinkling his nose.

" I know, " Toshiya frowned. " You know how difficult he can be. "

Toshiya shrugged the smaller man off his back and pushed him gently into the studio. " Sit down a minute. I want to talk to you. "

Kyo nodded and did as he was asked, sprawling out on one of the couches. Toshiya took a seat opposite from him and ran a hand through his hair. He prayed that what he was about to say wouldn't cause a riff in his best friend's newfound love.

" Kyo, the other day I went to Shin-chan's and found him in bed with Kaoru. All curled up in his arms. I don't know if this is going to hurt anything with you and Kyo but Shinya swore to me they didn't sleep together. I don't know whether or not to believe them. " Toshiya explained quietly.

Kyo nodded and sighed softly. " I know what happened. Kaoru told me that he went over there and Shinya was utterly trashed. I believe him when he says that nothing happened. Shinya resolved to puking a lot before he passed out. "

Toshiya blinked a couple of times, studying the bassist. " What? Shinya doesn't drink. Why would he get drunk alone? "

" He was depressed...over you. " Kyo said matter-of-factly.

" Over me? " The bassist sat back, a million thoughts racing through his head. " He's the one who rejected me. Why is he depressed over it? "

" He didn't want to reject you, Totchi. Gods, how blind can you be? He'd scared! I don't know why he's scared but he is. You can see it written all over his face. He's been that way for months. He's not as mysterious as he wants to be. You just have to see it. You can't, obviously. " Kyo sighed. " I trust Kaoru, and that's why I trust that nothing happened between them. "

Toshiya nodded and let what Kyo said to him sink in. So, Shinya was scared. That explained why the drummer had spent time avoiding him.

" By the way, Totchi, why is your face bruised? " Kyo asked

" Shin-chan. Saw me in the street with a friend and he punched me. " Toshiya shrugged.

" Ah, jealousy, such a wasted emotion. " Kyo smiled and stood. " I'm gonna go get a drink. See you in a few "

Toshiya nodded and thanked his friend before he left the room. Once the vocalist was gone, Toshiya sat back and sighed heavily. He had to so something. He had to make Shinya see that he loved him more then anything in the world.

After practice was over that day, Toshiya took care of his bass and casually approached Shinya who was still behind his drumset. He smiled faintly and nearly melted when the drummer lifted his eyes to him and pursed his lips together.

" Hi Shin-chan. Can you please come by my place tonight around nine? " He asked softly, praying that the other won't say no.

Shinya was slightly taken aback by the friendly attitude that Toshiya was putting forth. He nodded slightly. " Sure Totchi, I'll be there. "

With a satisfied smile, Toshiya thanked the man and turned to leave the room. He had so much to do and so little time to do it in. He zipped out of the studio and out into the streets of Tokyo. He had to so something he wouldn't have cared to do that day. Shop.

Shinya stood outside of Toshiya's apartment building, excitement and hesitation swirling in the pit of his stomach. He had had ever intention of just staying home but his curiosity had led him to his band mates apartment. Even now, standing outside the complex he considered turning around and running home. Still, he couldn't face Toshiya the next day if he did that. So taking a deep breath, the drummer willed his feet to move and within minutes, knocked on the bassist's door. The urge to flee the scene came again but before Shinya could act on it, the door opened and Toshiya smiled at him warmly.

" Thank you for coming, Shin-chan. Please come in. " The bassist stepped aside and allowed the younger man entrance.

Shinya stepped inside and blinked as he took in the atmosphere. The lighting was dim and a few candles burned in the living room. It was quiet except for the soft melodies of Shinya's favorite artist. The drummer through Toshiya a confused look and opened his mouth to speak but the bassist cut him off.

" I though we could have dinner together. Maybe talk about the recent mishaps that have evolved. " Toshiya smiled faintly, melting Shinya's insides.

" That sounds nice, Totchi. " Shinya smiled, nodding.

" Well then, dinner is ready and waiting. " Toshiya smiled again and took Shinya by the elbow gently and led him into the small dining area of his kitchen.

Shinya blinked, looking over the dishes on the table. Two of his favorite foods and desert were strategically placed on the white tablecloth. " Totchi, I didn't know you could cook. " The drummer said softly.

" It's one of my secret talents. " The bassist joked, gesturing for the other to sit before taking his own seat.

Shinya smiled brightly to the man across from him and not long after the two friends dug into the food, chatting happily like nothing at all had happened. Shinya was pleasantly surprised at how well Toshiya could cook and Toshiya was thrilled to see the drummer wasn't eating like a bird. The tense air around them had lessened and even into cleaning up they reminisced about the band's past. The only part of Shinya's life that Toshiya had an inkling of an idea.

Finally, the two sat on the couch in Toshiya's living room, listening to the music that Toshiya had picked out and sharing a six-pack of wine coolers. Toshiya had blushed when he told Shinya he didn't want to go to overboard with expensive wines. Shinya was perfectly happy with the mellow beverage.

" Shin-chan, the main reason I asked you here tonight is because..." the bassist hesitated a moment. " because I want to know you better. Shinya I've been agonizing over you for months. I want you more then anything and I can't really tell you why but there's something about you that gets to me. Please, I want to know why you're so mysterious and what's keeping you from me. I know you have to feel something for me otherwise you wouldn't have gotten jealous of Kira..."

Shinya held up a hand to stop the bassist's babbling. " Totchi-kun...I do feel something for you. I didn't want to admit if for a really long time because I was so hurt when I was younger. I didn't ever want to feel that kind of loss again so I tried to turn it off. I was doing great...then you happened. "

Toshiya nodded thoughtfully. " What happened Shin-chan? Please. I want to know. "

Shinya sighed and swirled the wine cooler around in a circle slowly. " Well...when I was growing up I had a friend named Kotori. He was my best friend in the whole world and things evolved by the time we turned sixteen. We fell in love and decided to be together. Our families were fine with it. Even encouraged it. Then one day, we were on our way to a store and we went to cross the street. Kotori stepped into the street first and...he was killed by a drunk driver. " Shinya choked back a sob and a few tears ran down his pale cheeks. " I saw him get hit, he died in my arms. The driver was charged with third degree vehicular manslaughter and served only eight months of probation. "

Toshiya felt his heart tighten listening to his friends sad story. Suddenly everything started to make sense to Toshiya. Shinya had been scared, all these years. He didn't want to love and lose again. Slowly, the bassist slid toward's Shinya and wrapped his arms around the smaller man in a warm hug. Shinya pressed his face into the man's chest and forced himself to relax. Toshiya's arms were so comforting, so warm. This is where Shinya knew he belonged.

The drummer looked up to Toshiya and his breath caught in his throat as the bassist's lips met his in a gentle kiss. Shinya melted instantly under the the warmth emanating from Toshiya. A small moan escaped the drummer's lips and Toshiya took advantage of slipping his tongue inside the younger man's mouth. He shivered as his tongue explored the wet caverns on Shinya's mouth, eliciting pleasureable moans from the drummer. Toshiya broke the kiss and his lips traveled over the soft flesh of Shinya's neck, nipping and licking at the sensitive skin. Shinya allowed the bassist's hand to slide up his thigh, teasing the flesh lightly and sending little shivers up his back. His touch was so gently, so loving. He hadn't felt so special to someone since Kotori. Pushing his dead lover out of his mind, Shinya moved to straddle Toshiya's lap and smiled faintly to the beautiful man under him.

" Gomen ne, Totchi. " He whispered softly.

" For what? " Toshiya blinked, confused.

" For being blind. " Shinya said simply, before kissing the other deeply, cupping the older man's face in his hands.

Toshiya moaned softly into the kiss and unbuttoned the drummers jeans slowly. Toshiya felt he needed to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming but he was here, with Shinya, almost ready to make love to him. Breaking the kiss, Toshia leaned back and lifted Shinya's shirt off of him and discarded it to the floor precariously. He smiled faintly as Shinya shivered from the sudden cold air that hit him. The bassist leaned forward and kissed along Shinya's collarbone, leading a trail of fiery kisses over the slim man's chest. He blew lightly on Shinya's nipple, causing the drummer to shudder faintly before taking the sensitive bud of flesh into his mouth, sucking at it roughly. Shinya moaned, letting his head fall back and tearing at the other's shirt wanting to be rid of the offensive article of clothing. When Toshiya let up the assault on Shinya's nipple, the drummer pulled the shirt over Toshiya's head and got rid of it. He pressed himself against the bassist's body, kissing his way from the older man's mouth to his nipples, nipping the flesh, satisified with the little moan's of pleasure escaping his lover.

Toshiya couldn't take it anymore, Shinya was teasing him and doing a really good job of it. In a swift movement, the bassist switched their position and hovered over the smaller man, kissing him deeply again. The bassist's hand wandered to the front of Shinya's pants and he gripped the drummer's rock hard cock through the clothing. Shinya arched his back and cried out in tortured pleasure.

" Onegai, Totchi. Don't tease me. " He whimpered softly, attacking the other man's neck with kisses.

" You respond so well. It's hard not too. " Toshiya laughed softly and slid the drummer's already undone pants past his hips, freeing his ready arousal. The bassist licked his lips faintly before moving low on the other man and blowing gently on his hard cock, making the drummer squirm in excitement. Closing his eyes, Toshiya took Shinya's organ into his mouth and sucked at the flesh gently.

Shinya moaned softly as he ran a hand through Toshiya's soft hair, lifting his hips to meet the other's sucking rhythm. It'd been awhile since Shinya had been with anyone and he could think of a better person to bring him to new heights then Toshiya. It wasn't long before Shinya was about to explode in his glory when Toshiya withdrew his attentions on his cock. The drummer whimpered and he looked up to his lover.

" Totchi...why'd you stop? " He asked, his voice soft. Toshiya simple smiled and kissed the younger man lovingly.

The bassist slid out of his pants and rested against Shinya, letting his organ brush against the drummer's teasingly. Toshiya was on fire and his ready cock was aching in anticipation. Toshiya gently parted Shinya's legs and kneeled between them.

" I need you, Shin-chan. " he whispered. " I love you. "

" I love you..." Shinya whispered back, locking the older man's lips in a gentle kiss.

Taking his que, Toshiya slowly pushed himself into Shinya, groaning in lust. Shinya was as tight in reality as he had been in his dream. The drummer cried out in pent up ecstacy and let his head fall back, passion bruised lips parted beautifully. Toshiya nearly came at the sight, but thankfully he had some self-control. Rocking into the other, the bassist found a slow rhythm. He nuzzled Shinya, whimpering softly, repeating his love and want for the fragile man beneath him. Shinya moaned beautifully, writhing underneath the older man.

" Totchi-chan..." he whispered, breath heavy. Shinya straddled Toshiya's waist, causing the bassist to move deeper within him.

A thin layer of sweat glistened on Toshiya's body as he picked up his pace, moving deeper inside the drummer, intentionally hitting his most pleasurable spot inside. Shinya cried out again, tears moving into his eyes as he clutched Toshiya close to him. The two lover's worked themselves into frenzied lovemaking before Shinya cried out Toshiya's name as he came repeatedly before the bassist finally spilled his juices into the other twice over. Panting heavily, Toshiya pulled himself out of Shinya and moved to lay next to him, holding the smaller man close to him.

" I love you, Terachi Shinya. "

" I love you too, Hara Toshimasa. "

February 6th, 2004

_Dear Journal,_

_Today is mine and Shin-chan's one month anniversary. I don't think I've ever been happier in my entire life. This wonderful man that is now all mine had turned out to be even more then what I expected. He loves me! Can you believe that. My beautiful, mysterious Shin-chan loves me. We had a great day together, just the two of us. We wandered around town, shopping and saw a movie. Then we came back to my apartment and fulfilled our deepest passions. He's staying with me tonight and is sleeping next to me right now. I love to watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful, almost ethreal. Journal, I am the luckiest man on earth. Everyday I'm shrouded in Shin-chan's loving essence._

_Toshiya_


End file.
